Rising From the Ashes

O.K.  That title is a little dramatic but that's exactly what it feels like.  My world, as I've known and loved it for the past 32 years, has burned down and now I need to start rebuilding a new world.  It took me a long time to write this but I feel like if I get it down on paper(?) I might feel better.  A few weeks ago my youngest child went off to college and my job ended.  I had hoped, prayed, wished, trained and anticipated this job for my whole life.  When I got it I enjoyed it far more than I could have ever anticipated.  As a matter of fact, I am now wondering if it's possible to love something too much since retiring from this job has caused me more pain than I could have ever imagined.  Once my daughter was gone it slapped me right in the face how much of my life revolved around training, teaching and loving my children.  I have never worked outside of the home since having my children and have never had a desire to and still don't.  I  spent the time when they were in school volunteering at their schools and in the community and serving in my church.  Now that no one is coming in the door at 3:00 every day to tell me about their day, I realize how long the days are and now my nights run into days and my weekdays into weekends and nothing distinguishes anything from anything else.  My schedule used to include housecleaning (no one here to dirty it now), grocery shopping (used to be a part time job but now no one to eat the food), sporting events (we drive or fly to Utah for every BYU home football game) but used to be up to 10 games a week.  I used to love to make or buy things for my house but now no one sees them so why bother?  So many things have changed since that last child left.  I spent the first few weeks crying every day and wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life.  My best friend and I used to dream about all the fun things we could do after our children were gone like work in the temple, travel, talk, talk and talk some more but she graduated early and moved on to much bigger and better things and I miss her all the time.  Luckily I have my wonderful husband to spend time with and I enjoy that but he doesn't quite understand my situation since his hasn't really changed that much.  He still has his job and church calling and his days are pretty much the same as they were before even though I know he misses the kids a lot too.  I am super proud of the job we've done with our children and very happy that they get to now know the joy and love of raising their own families.  I wouldn't take that from them for the world.  I'm just jealous and sad that I am done and don't get to keep doing the greatest "job" in the world.  There are so many things I can fill my life with like more temple work, more callings, more service, more education and I will eventually start doing those things but right now I am trying to ease out of the mourning period that was incredibly painful.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see it, faintly.  I'm eternally grateful that I got to have the opportunity to make so many memories with and be sealed for time and all eternity to Pat, Brandon, Kyle, Tanner, Logan, Jensen, Hunter and Savannah.  We are Forever Moore.