Sisters

For the first time in a very long time I miss my sisters. I have two sisters who don't live anywhere near me and who I don't really have a great relationship with. It's not that we have a bad relationship, we just don't really have a relationship at all anymore. We used to be pretty close while we were growing up. We sang together all over the place and we lived kind of out in the country, away from the rest of the town, so we didn't really have people over much. We just played with each other. We all used to live right here in North County for a short time and celebrated birthdays and other special occasions together and I really enjoyed that time. Since they moved away though we have just gotten caught up in our families and kind of let our relationship die away. One sister hates to talk on the phone and the other likes to talk for hours and I'm kind of in-between so the phone isn't really a viable option. Neither one of them knows how to work a computer so email, which is my favorite form of communication, is also not an option. We rarely see each other and never all at the same time so most of the time I just forget they are even there but sometimes, like today, I think about the fun times we've had and the silly inside jokes we have and our mutual sense of humor and I miss them. So even though they will probably never see this (note computer illiteracy) I want to give a shout out to my sisters. Cathy and Susan, I love and miss you and hope you cherish our past memories as much as I do.

Whatever it takes

Recently our family went through a minor crisis and it was brought home to me like a sledgehammer how important it is for children to have both a mother and a father. While dealing with the situation I realized that if our child only had me disciplining them they would be dead. All I could do was feel. Pain, revenge, anger, sadness, betrayal, disappointment and hopelessness. Thinking was not part of the equation, just feeling. My husband, on the other hand, while still probably feeling some of those emotions (albeit in way smaller doses) was also able to employ his brain into thinking some rational thoughts and coming up with way more realistic solutions than death. In making up with this child it was revealed that they were very thankful to have 2 parents and not just one as the balance would have been off without one or the other. Right in the middle of this fiasco I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in awhile. In catching up with the activities of her family she mentioned to me how hard it was to raise children while divorced even though she and her ex are on great terms. She was the one who initiated the divorce so I thought she was happy with the situation but she looked me right in the eye and said "Do whatever it takes to keep your marriage together". She was telling me that when children are involved it is way easier to be unhappy in a marriage than out of one. I think children kind of do that to a person. I think that children would rather have their mom and dad be unhappy together than to have the child be unhappy that they are apart. In a child's mind, if mom and dad are together then there is always hope that they can become happy again if they just try hard enough. Once they are apart, everyone is unhappy and hope is harder to hold onto. This is coming, of course, from a very happily married Mormon wife and mother with absolutely no training or education on this subject so you can take this whole entry with a grain of salt but for all the young mothers out there who are struggling to make a strong marriage, my unsolicited advice is "Do whatever it takes"!

Ouch! Another crack in the rock

I just got back from my walk and while I was on it I got another sliver of wisdom and understanding. Have you ever wondered why certain things happen to you? When you are in the middle of a tragedy or a triumph do you ever wonder, "Why me?"? Recently I have had to draw on feelings from past situations in my life to get me through current ones. In doing so I realized that the reason I had to go through those situations then was so that I could handle the ones now. When I was a little girl I remember vividly on several occasions when I was either getting yelled at or praised that I would think "I will never forget how I am feeling at this moment and I will either a. never do this to someone else if it was negative and hurtful or b. try hard to do this to someone else because it feels good. I'm quite sure that most of you were not nearly such odd children so you probably didn't really focus on your feelings to that extent but if you tried you could probably remember and bring back how you felt on certain occasions. It's amazing how past experiences can help you in later life. You might get a certain type of mother so you can be a different certain type of mother. You may go through the pain and jealousy of having someone close to you seem to have a glamorous and wonderful life while making wrong choices and then watch them pay dearly in later life for those choices so that you can help the next generation with their choices and help them recognize that every choice has a consequence. You may fall in love too young and face all the struggles and challenges that that brings so you can help your children avoid those challenges. To all my friends out there who are struggling with situations that are making them sad like divorce, trying to find a spouse, trying to make their mark in the world and be noticed even if it's maybe not quite the right way to be noticed, know that all this shall be for thy good and that someday you may need to draw on these experiences to help someone else, maybe even your own child. Remember how you are feeling right now and vow to help someone else to not feel that way if it looks like they might.

Mother-In-Law Epiphany #1

Every once in awhile this hard rock of a brain of mine gets a little crack and allows some wisdom and understanding to filter in. Recently I got a little crack. I was pondering the challenges of being a "mother-in-law" and it dawned on me that I was expecting my sons to do everything I would kill my husband for doing. Mothers and sons have a very unique bond that is hard for girls who don't have sons yet to understand. The mother gets to enjoy the wonderful part of male attention and adoration without the sexual friction and pressure and the son gets to be adored and thought perfect because he will never be any competition for the mom. In other words, they enjoy the perfect "opposite sex" relationship. Mothers of married sons have a hard time handing over that attention and adoration to someone else and always seem to be in competition with their son's wives. They still expect to be thought of frequently and called once a week and generally being front and center in their son's lives. Thus, the age-old reputation of "mother-in-laws". Lots of girls get along with their mother-in-laws but deep down they still wouldn't mind if they fell into a black hole and were never heard from again. (Maybe that's a little harsh but you get my meaning.) I am, of course, the farthest thing from an expert on this subject since my mother-in-law passed away very early in my marriage and I therefore haven't really had to deal with one, pretty much ever. However, I know that if my husband constantly talked about or felt the need to call and gab with his mother on a frequent basis he would pay dearly. I also know that if we had to spend equal time on vacations and holidays with a family that I did not grow up with and a woman that I didn't relate to very well and who loved my husband way before I did and just as much, there would have been contention in our home. I used to sing with my sisters and mother at weddings and parties all over the place. One song we sang a lot was called "Wedding Song". I've sung it a million times but just recently one of the lines came into my head and it was like a lightbulb going off in my brain. "Well a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home....". What? Isn't a man leaving his home too and a woman leaving her father and mother? NO! Men naturally want to be the head of their households and be looked to by their wives and families as the provider and hero. The hard part is leaving their mothers! But they have to do it to make their wives happy and to do their jobs. Women physically leave their homes but they never really leave their mothers. And it's O.K. Men don't feel threatened by a girl's attachment to her mother like women do with their husband's attachment to his mother. It's different. Having now had this epiphany I can more easily let go of my sons because I know if my husband's mother was trying to hold onto him like I want to hold onto my sons, I would be one unhappy girl. Just a word of advice though to all the young wives and mothers of little boys, go easy on the old broads who bore your husbands because someday you are going to be her.

I love being right:)

I went to Kyle's basketball game today and just as I predicted they won by a landslide! They played like a well-oiled machine. They were passing like crazy, making shots, playing great defense and listening to everything Coach K said. He was ecstatic and even better, Mom was right. All is right with the universe. Way to go Bulldogs!

Already?

Well, those 14 years went by in a blink! My little girl went to her first dance. She was nervous and afraid to totally let loose (she is quite a dancer) and actually slow danced with someone other than her brother. She had fun but she's not quite sure how she feels about the whole growing up thing so it might be a little while before she ventures out again. I remember my first dance like it was yesterday and I won't tell you exactly how many yesterdays it really was but for me to remember it at all after all this time is quite a feat. I was very excited and nervous. This was back in the day when you never danced in groups or by yourself. Every dance, fast or slow was with a partner and the boy always did the asking. I was almost 6 feet tall and VERY skinny. In other words, not exactly a stunner. My mother was concerned about me being disappointed so she made sure that I knew that if I didn't get asked to dance very much it would be because the boys were short and insecure with such a tall girl and that it wouldn't be because I wasn't beautiful and desirable :) Everything turned out great because I took my shoes off and there were enough fairly tall boys to dance with and I am a very exuberant dancer so I don't really need anyone else to have a good time. I came home flushed and happy and very excited for the next dance. My mother was extremely surprised and relieved. Savannah loves dancing with her family because we have no inhibitions when we dance and we get pretty crazy. Someday she will be able to enjoy the social interaction of a dance but I won't die if she takes her sweet time about it:)

I Miss My Mexican!

It was wonderful talking to my son, Jensen, on Christmas day but it made me miss him. He sounded so...Mexican. He can speak Spanish really well and has a great accent. He sounded so happy even though I knew he was homesick. We did a conference call that patched Logan and Michelle in while they were in Big Bear so we were all on the phone at the same time. Just one more Christmas without him. He's been out for about 7 1/2 months. Almost 1/3 of his total mission. The time is going by really fast but I still miss looking at his cute face and hearing his very intelligent humor. He is a great kid and I miss having him here to keep Hunter entertained and on the straight and narrow. We just booked a Mexican cruise last night that will take us right down by his mission. I hope I can feel his sweet spirit while we are that close to him and I especially hope he will be able to feel my love flowing out to him. I miss you, Fronies.

Coaching/Parenting?

Yesterday my son, Kyle, coached his first basketball game and his team got cremated. He came home so sad and depressed and...embarrassed. I listened as he explained what happened and it came to mind how close coaching and parenting are. He said that they had worked and worked on certain things in practice and that he had told them things and carefully explained other things that would help them win. When it came down to being in a real game, apparently everything they had practiced and learned went right out of their heads and they just choked. He said he felt really upset with them and embarrassed because the gym was packed and he felt like all the parents were judging him because it was his job to teach his players how to win. These boys are in 6th and 7th grade and this is their first experience on a competitive school team. Kyle has been away at school and has only been able to hold about 3 practices with them. Still, he expected more out of them and was very disappointed. He wanted to go out there and play "for" them or somehow "make" them be better. He couldn't understand how they didn't know everything he knows about basketball and managed to forget that he has been playing for 20 years. The boys got distracted by girls in the stands and their parents yelling directions at them and the other team being bigger and better than they were. All of this sounds so much like parenting. Every parent knows that whether it's right or wrong, people judge you by how your kids turn out. It's your job to teach them everything and if they screw up then it has to be your fault. You teach and explain and take them to church over and over again and still they get distracted when they get into real life situations. You don't understand why they can't see everything as crystal clear as you do even though you have lived about 30 years longer than they have. I told Kyle that to judge his team's performance on one game (their first one at that) was just plain not fair. That may very well be the best team they face all year. They may turn around and astonish him with a blow-out of their own on the next game. All he can do is be patient, point out, in detail, what each one can work on to better their game and then just practice, practice, practice and don't give up. I also told him that, yes, their performance is a direct reflection on him but that he can only teach them correct principles and then whether he likes it or not, they have their free agency and they WILL govern themselves. This is a great lesson for him and he is already trying to think of ways to help them improve and to help himself improve. Coaching, like parenting, doesn't happen overnight. It takes years of practice and humility and hard work. Hang in there, Coach Moore. Go Bulldogs!

Most Adorable Child in the World

Happy Birthday, Van!

My baby girl turned 14 yesterday. I can't believe it. She will be in high school in 9 months, she can go to dances now and she will be driving in a year and a half! She is a Mia Maid already and she just became a Beehive a few minutes ago. We've gone through one teenage year and it was absolutely heavenly. I pray the rest are just as good. I have a feeling they will be. This girl is the most perfect girl in the whole world. She is the perfect blend of boy and girl. She got all the calm, laid back qualities of my boys and just the right amount of gentleness and sensitivity of a girl. We never fight and I mean, NEVER. If we don't agree then we talk it out or just be quiet until it passes. She is very quick to apologize and helps me be the same way. She listens to the smart things I say and ignores the dumb things. We have so much in common that I love to be with her. We are both avid readers and love to be alone. Neither one of us need friends to hang with. We are perfectly happy either being with our family or alone. We like the same books and movies and we both love chocolate, her-white and me-dark. We don't love shopping and can only do it for short periods of time. I'm so glad she is my daughter and will be with me forever. I was reminded this holiday season of how much daughters love their mothers and how they stay close to them even after they are married and even though it's not very fun being on the boy end of that relationship, I am very grateful that I have one daughter who will love me forever and want to be with me occasionally even after she has her own family. Vannie, you are the light of my life and I love you with all of my heart. Happy Birthday!